░ Ambivalance ХХ Lunacy v3 ░

new news from the pathetic barchiel...
04:47 p.m. | Thursday, February 7, 2002

yes! i am still alive! at least i was the last time i checked. i thought i would leave a little update on what's going on with the blog. well, sarah showed me a nifty place to get a domain (plus hosting) for $5 a month! so, i plan on doing that and getting nuclear-winter.net!

so i shall get that and soon be up and running again. hopefuly. -_-;;

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top ten excuses for my disapperance
02:30 a.m. | Sunday, January 13, 2002

10: after finally getting the see the utena movie, i have discovered that i am a "revolutionary" and have turned into a car. don't ask how i'm typing this then.
09: school food finally killed me.
08: with my ps2 and recently aquired final fantasy x, i have been spending many blissful hours in front of my tv.
07: i'm lost somewhere. can someone get me some help?
06: i took up residence at funcoland and now sleep on a cot in the back.
05: i forgot i have a computer.
04: amnesia? (damned GFs!)
03: i'm burried under a pile of homework.
02: i found seifer and squall doing "things", stole a video camera to tape them and i am now serving jail time for theft.

and the #1 reason for my disapperance (and most true): port5 deleted my account and i decided maybe this is a sign that i should move to blogger and get a new layout.

also finals are next week and i need to work my butt of studying. don't worry, i'll be back soon. just give me a week or two. i haven't been up to much computer related crap anyhow. and sarah! email me your address so i can send you my otakon money!

be back soon! ^_- (promise!) -barchiel/lydia

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we have new computers!
07:56 a.m. | Thursday, December 20, 2001

we have new computers at school! they're nice new HPs with pentium 4s! ok, so pentium sucks. but, they're a hell of a lot better than the crappy 166MHz ones we had before. i love this keyboard too. it's so nice and springy! and my teacher got us all headphones so she doesn't have to listen to our music! ha ha.

ok, thanks sarah. good thing i lost the bid or else i would of been stuck with it! >_< now i have to look for the other one. thanks for showing me a piture. i know what it looks like now! i tried to call you the other day, but you were out and about. would you like to spend a few days? todd (good!) wants to have an evangelion party with my dvds. you should come too!

recap of last few days: monday, dec 17: my mother picked me up after school and we went to the sterling heights library. after an encounter of frustration of not being able to find any books on psychological warfare (paper on the korean war for world studies east) i found a book i have been looking for for quite some time now, Drop Dead by Mark Richard Zubro. i'm almost done with the damned thing (haven't had much time) and actualy i have it sitting next to me right now! lol. the book is freaking hillarious. anyone who like nice dry humor and mystery should read it. plus the main character is gay. *stiffled giggle* the great thing is, the main charater, paul turner, is in five (as of 1999) of zubro's books. now i must go look for more!

tuesday, dec 18: went to todd's (good!) strings concert. he plays so well! (plays bass) after the concert a guy came up to him and offered him free lessons! i was talking to his mother about how i want to play the cello and she said that she would talk to her sister about giving me lessons. while that's great, i don't have a cello. plus i really don't have to time for it. maybe i should do it anyway. then i went to work and picked up both todd's and my copy of final fantasy x. (i have ffx!!) i have todd's copy in my bag right now. i brought it yesterday (19th) but he forgot to bring it home. -_-;; i've only had one hour to play it so far! blah!

wednesday, dec 19: had lots o fun! left school with todd and went to masquerade games and bought the rest of my x-mas (most at least) presents and was accused of buying all things for myself when all i got was another seymour keychain... then we went to see lord of the rings! it was actually really good. ack! bell rang! have to go! finish later!

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my hand is cold...
08:17 a.m. | Sunday, December 16, 2001

i still don't have icq. i am a bum. i need to take a shower and do some of my homework before i go to work in 2 1/2 hours. crap, i need to dry my clothes.... ok, took care of that! ^_^ went to ron's family's x-mas party yesterday. recived $30 and a $20 gift certificate to harmony house. It wasn't so bad. i was teased by his father and brother, but his sister gina was there. she's nifty.

next week is the week from hell.
monday: go to library to get books on psychological warfare in the korean war for a report due fri. in world studies east.
tuesday: pickup copies of final fantasy x for todd and me, go to todd's strings concert, and attempt to find his mother so she can pay me back.
wednesday: go to masquerade games to finish x-mas shopping. then try to get my mother to stop at barns & noble so i can get her something for x-mas.
thursday: do nothing! yay!
friday: work.

wasn't that entertaining? no, not really. sarah! you should come over after the x-mas party and spend the weekend. (22nd) i'll call you tonight after work to talk about it. btw, is this the right figure? i want to make sure i'm getting the right one!

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*slowly trying not to reach for the nearest person and killing them...*
10:43 p.m. | Thursday, December 13, 2001

as if icq problems weren't enough. netscape likes to crash right in the middle of typing this!! i'm really not program-friendly today...

ok, so icq is evil. i'm stupid and got a 99a version when i need my original 99b version to actually convert my old database. see, i refuse to upgrade because i have enough problems with icq as it is and all i DON'T need is a new program with new bugs to work around. so now, i have to hunt around the internet looking for a three year old program. let's see how long this will take me....

it has to suck to be in ragabash's shoes. lucky for me i'm only starting to delve into the x fandom. (though, i've been eyeing it for years.) to have other people ruin something for you is a large loss. (it's best to ruin things for yourself!) personally, i love seishirou and subaru so all the fanfics are just icing on the cake, despite a majority of them being bad. but, i have a feeling i'm going to be majorly disappointed when seishirou dies. i don't think the series will hold the same value to me as in the beginning, which is why i'm reluctant to even start buying the manga. i don't know if it's even worth it. will it be a waste of good money and just take up space? then i remind myself that you only live once and you should spend the money you have and enjoy yourself.

well, i DO have a new layout all ready to be put up... but i need to redownload the font i used for it. i still can't find all the fonts i used to have. this is highly annoying. there's too much crap i still need to do. like d/l icq so people know what the heck happened to me....

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.....
05:30 p.m. | Wednesday, December 5, 2001

sarah, i wish you would talk to me about what's going on. i understand what you're going through. i've never felt so apathetic in my life. yet, i try to show that i really don't care. (the way i want people to see me? i feel fake when i make that statement.) but i end up acting the way i normally do. (some what. i have changed greatly) i've been a lot more daring with what i've been saying. i'm surprised i haven't gotten into trouble with some of the comments i make at lunch. i just don't care what people think about me the way i used to. i can make all the comments in the world and i people's reactions won't ever phase me. (switching tracks..) i used to be depressed about the whole lonely thing, but ever since i've reconized my problem, it hasn't been bothering me. i still get sad every once in a while, but not like i used to. (sqitching tracks again...) i think i'm sort of an emotional masochist. i want to be sad, i want to feel depressed. i enjoy beating myself over things. i have no idea why i do this to myself. i don't know if i'll ever figure it out. i'm punishing myself for something, but i don't know what... i'm going to call you, sarah, when i get done posting.

on a lighter note, i finally found translations for gouhou drug! well, steph found them. and i love her for it! it's only the first four chapters, but it's better than nothing. i translated a few things in the fifth chapter (surprisingly). there was this one word (phrase actually) that popped up like five or six times. so, wondering what it was, i tried to translate it. i got the first part (tsuki) that was easy, but i couldn't figure out the second! the hiragana was "ko" but when i looked it up in my dictionary, the kanji for it wasn't there and "tsukiko" isn't a word. (as far as i can tell) so i tried looking it up by the stroke count. because of the font, i couldn't tell how many stokes it was for sure. i knew it was between 10 and 12. so i looked....and looked.... never found it. so, this morning in school i found a place to look up kanji and i never got to it by the time the bell rang. sooooo, i was still in the dark. i went home, found the page again, and found out it means lake. ok, so kazahaya is yelling "moon lake." that doesn't make sense.... i translated the thing he says before it. it's tattoo. he's commenting on rikuou's tattoo. now, in the book it's written in katakana but the work "irezumi" is spelled with hiragana. so i figured because of his tattoo being a tribal type one (therefore foreign to japan) that's the reason why it's written in katakana. at least, this is my theory. but who knows! i barely know any japanese and i'm probably wrong. this whole little adventure has made me want to try and teach myself japanese again. since i have major trouble with repetitive practice and doing it alone, i'm starting a little study-group-thing with steph and meghan! lots o fun! so, maybe i'll actually learn something this time. if you can actually follow this rant, i'm proud of you....

not much else has happened recently. i finally have my PS2!! and i have all evangelion on dvd. now meghan has to buy my tapes off of me! dvds are so nice. more episodes, smaller, nicer quality. i couldn't ask for more!

i think it's pretty sad when people sell fansubs on cd on ebay. and it's pretty sad when people buy them. they could easily just d/l them. and speaking of the yaoi content of yami no matsuei; i don't think it's anywhere close to the content in level c which IS being release over here. (and i think it's quite odd that it is.) so that right there is a lie in itself. besides, if they really want the fansubs, there's plenty of places that carry it. like obaasan's for instance, which is where i got mine. why would you pay all the extra money when you can get them for $6 a tape? people are very stupid.

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*screams*
03:54 p.m. | Wednesday, November 28, 2001

i'm alive! and i shall actually have a reason for not being on! HA! let us start with two weekends ago...

nov 17-19: went to gibraltar and bought fun fun stuff for my compy!! what did i spend $340 on?

1) 20 G hard drive
2) 128 MB RAM
3) A new motherboard with a 1G AMD processor!

i have now labeled myself the goddess of thrifty-ness. couldn't get todd (good) to come over and help me install everything, so i had to wait. and i finally did my back in at a party and had to go to the chiropractors. it was really messed up...blah.

wendesday, nov 21: had a half a day of school and todd came over afterwards. started to get my compy together only to find out that (1) i need a video card, (2) i need a PCI modem, and (3) he doesn't have windows 98 with him and i have no operating system to stick on my HD. so, we call up dave and he comes over. then we go back to todd's, pick up the video card, modem, and win 98, and then drive back. get everything installed (i have three HDs now! WHOO! MAGI system!) and started to install windows. then we discover we need a boot disk! dave had to leave for a date and left the windows cd in his laptop. fun. i run around trying to get someone to make a boot disk only to find out the windows cd is gone two hours later.

thursday, nov 22: i love my family. i love going to family functions. this is the summary of my thanksgiving. (the short-short version.) my aunt was going to bring windows ME, but couldn't find it. i still have no working computer.

friday, nov 23: my aunt finds windows ME *gag. i hate it.* and brings it over! i now have a working computer! YAY!

nov 24-25: i run around trying to get drivers so my sound, modem, and mass storage (?? it's not what you think) will work. then i remember, duh, the motherboard CAME with the drivers! got sound and mass storage all nice and pretty.

monday, nov 26: still no modem. then i think, hello! i have the documation for the modem, go on their website and d/l the drivers. went to school, did that. now i have a modem! also realized that i forgot to save all my old fonts and i have to re-donwload them. fun fun...

tuesday, nov 27: fell asleep after a emotionally tiring day at school and didn't wake up until 10:00. then i had to do a crap load of homework along with studying for three tests. i gave up by 1:30 and went to bed.

today!: for how little i did study, my algebra II and physics test went very well! then the one test that i studied the most for, world studies east, we didn't have. -_-;; so, i got a little break and will probably do better on it tomorrow. i also have a psychology test tomorrow.

and now everyone is basically caught up on why i was gone. see, i have reasons for what i do sometimes. *nervous grin* oh!!! BTW! i got my PS2 finally!! *jumps up and down!* it's the greatest! and the only PS2 game i have is a demo for frequency i got from work! lol. i will be buying shadow of destiny this weekend though. along with the new fatal fury game for dreamcast. terry looks hot! whooo! ok, i have other crap to do now. like d/l fonts... -_-;;;;

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cries...really
01:22 p.m. | Sunday, November 11, 2001

SNK is gone forever!! they finally closed down their company.

Dear All NEOGEO fans/customers, It is with deepest grief that In the Autumn of 2001, SNK will close the company history in its business. It was all of your favor and encouragement which made our passion running to make better games for SNK fans. We'd like to take this opportunity to thank and everyone of you for your continuous help and assistance rendered to SNK since its inocorporation in Japan July in 1978. Without your support, SNK Corporaton would not have been possible throughout 23 yers of operation. With all our heart-felt gratitude, thank you once again !

why is it when i find something i absolutly love it ends up disappearing. They're still coming out with a few money games. (i guess) like a special edition gameboy advance with KOF. i would buy it. just because it's SNK! sad, but most likely true. and there's a fatal fury game for dreamcast coming next week i believe. i'm sure i'll be the first to buy it at work! lol. i can't believe such a wonderful company is now gone. at least i still have many of their products to discover still. it'll occupy me for a while. we have a few really old SNK nintendo games at work. i should grab them even though they look really crappy. rofl. they're only a few bucks.

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people's house...
09:57 p.m. | Friday, November 9, 2001

i'm over my friend's house. fun fun! and my bangs are really messed up. blah. she dragged me to her little workout gym thing. it was nice, but i think i pulled some muscles in my chest. oops. and i don't think i should of went right after i ate. i shall kill her. after i digest my food...

i made her squeek. she's highly ticklish. it's great when i poke her in the side at lunch and she falls off her chair. i'm bad...

i might be getting my ps2 tomorrow! *jumps with glee* i hope. i hope! then i can get capcom vs. snk 2. *drooool* must buy. O_o! now she's being a brat. little does she realize i have to sit around constantly while she's on the computer. i feel that a few seconds on it isn't going to kill her. she even does it on my computer! grrrr....

ok, now that sarah has moved her blog to blogger, i just might want to also. even if blogger is all screwy... i've been thinking about it for a while now anyhow. but i don't want to have to move my blog twice, so i'm going to wait until i get my collective. whenever steph get's off her butt and we decide on a name for it. *sigh*

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ARGH! ...... and stuff.
05:35 a.m. | Wednesday, November 7, 2001

yesterday was THE worst day! first, i wake up at 4:00 in the morning again, which wasn't too terribly bad since i need to take a shower before school anyhow. i get to school and whole bunch of blah occurs... then in german i reach to pick something off the floor and the whole desk tips over! mind you this was during a test too. ok, ha ha lost of fun. then i go to world studies east, get my pen caught in the bar on the desk and rip my jeans! not only did it rip part of the pocket off, it ripped the jeans itself too! so i had to pull my shirt down as far as possible for the rest of the day. then i go to psych and find out i got a C on my test. to top it all of YESTERDAY WAS MY BIRTHDAY! you think i would have a nice day. but noooo, why would that happen?! actually, now that i look back on it, it's quite funny. lol.

on the brighter side. i found out three of my grades and they're all good! two B's and one A. i don't think i really want ot know the rest of them. -_-;

ok, i need to get ready for school! ack!

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i slept all day....
12:59 a.m. | Friday, October 26, 2001

hello all! i would of posted sooner, but my isp is EVIL! what else is new.. *rolls eyes* i finally got those mp3s up for the people who wanted them. i'm really sorry about the delay. and i need a new layout... i just finished a page too, instead of working on what i should. lol, sounds like me.

sarah, i would love to talk to you! i haven't in a long time. they we can swim in our self-pity together and be as sarcastic as ever. btw, who's "jeremey's mom"? how about i call you saturday night?

well, school has been nice to me the past few days. i got a B on my physics test! *jumps up and down* i finally got a B! hopefully i can keep getting B's. unfortunatly i think i did bad on my world studies east test. chinese names are hard to remember. i'm probably going to disappoint myself with a few other tests too. oh well, it was bound to happen. speaking of being disappointed... for some reason, right after school i start getting really upset. all i want to do is go home and cry. which, i do end up doing half the time. actually, now that i think about it, i think i start thinking about going home to an empty house. (abadonment thing..) thinking about no one being home when i get there is really upsetting to me. wow. took me a while to figure that one out. too bad i have to work tomorrow. i would go over to someone's house then. ah well. i have to go, homework. blah.

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strange things are happening in lala land...
07:51 p.m. | Monday, October 15, 2001

i archived.

i really suck. my grades suck. i suck. drawing skills suck. non-exsistant love life sucks. (more on that in a minute...) father sucks. lots of things suck.

#1 i am doing horrible in school right now. the only A i have is in german. and i'm getting a D in physics, the class i'm trying the hardest in. i swear, no matter how much i study, i can't get a good grade on my tests! after all the studing i did for the last one, i only got two points more than i normally do. on the bright side, my friend laura who normally does good on the tests only got two points more than me. and todd (good tood from school. not evil todd from work) wasn't there to be all nice and supportive... which leads into my next thing on the list 'o' sucky-ness

#2 since i know stephanie reads this, and this is suppost to be a place for me to get crap out, and steph is going to figure this out eventually... yes, i have a thing for todd. at least, i think i do. how would i not know? well, for one thing, as i have stated; i have no love life. and after not really having a love life for this long, you start to like people you never normally would. i told myself i wouldn't like him. i wouldn't torture myself over it. but what do i do? the only thing i was looking forward to over the weekend was see todd and talking to him. stupid, stupid me. i got to talk to him saturday night and it was great! we talked until 12:00 and we actually have a lot in common. (surprise surprise) then he didn't show up to school today. i was pretty disappoint you can guess. but i called him when i got home and he basically hung up with me after five minutes saying he had to do other things. i felt pretty dejected after that. then i started thinking about how i feel abandoned by my father... (when i talked to todd saturday i noticed how rejected and abandoned i feel and how much it really does affect me.) and i cried. i feel stupid and ashamed saying it. and then the one person i thought could make me feel better i didn't dare call back. when i'm upset about something like this, i really don't want to be alone. and i was. and it sucked. btw, steph if and when you read this, tell me and no one else. same goes for meg if you do. this really isn't anyone's business unless i make it someones.

#3 i'm gaining weight i think. i sit around too much. i really want to take karate, but i don't know when lauren is starting. ah well. this is the least of my problems.

#4 i need to get my wisdom teeth pulled because i have cavities in them that can't be filled. this i'm really afraid of. i'm not too keen of doctors. (or dentists for that matter) and this is one of the last things i want to go through. luckly, i have ample room for them and getting them out will be a snap. but i still don't want to do it.

besides that, i have a ton of money in the bank! i used to be really bad about my money, now i'm extremely stingy. which i guess is a good thing. and now i have a fun o list thingy for everyone's entertainment!

I see: a entry that's too big
I need: a hug i think.
I find: i need to do my homework
I want: blah.... guess.
I have: bad grades
I wish: i wasn't so retarded >_<
I love: winter
I hate: people in general
I miss: my reject of a father

I fear: myself
I feel: cold. i should turn off my fan.
I hear: yes, anastasia by tori amos
I smell: a freshly opened can of squirt

I crave: a shower
I search: for someone to pay attention
I wonder: why my foot itches
I regret: not much. taking physics?

When was the last time you...
Smiled: now!
Laughed: about an hour ago.
Cried: about 5-ish
Bought something? today, lunch!
Danced: today if ddr counts
Were sarcastic: today and everyday.
Kissed someone: umm.. i kissed my mother good night last night.
Talked to an ex: never. surprise surprise.
Watched your favorite movie: don't really have a favorite
Had a nightmare: don't remember.

Last book you read: six moon dance by sheri s. tepper
Last movie you saw: evengelion
Last song you heard: winter by tori amos
Last thing you had to drink: water
Last time you showered: yesterday morning
Last thing you ate: rice

Smoke?: blah, no.
Do drugs?: double blah! no!
Have sex?: no...
Sleep with stuffed animals?: i sleep with animals, does that count? (cat: misty)
Live in the moment?: try the future.
Have a dream that keeps coming back?: perhaps
Play an instrument?: used to play the clarinet.
Believe there is life on other planets?: be stupid not to.
Remember your first love?: yes...
Still love her/him?: no. he deserved that black eye.
Read the newspaper?: nope!
Have any gay or lesbian friends?: i think so. lol
Believe in miracles?: not really.
Believe it's possible to remain faithful forever?: *shurgs*
Consider yourself tolerant of others?: some what
Consider love a mistake?: not really.
Like the taste of alcohol?: yuck.
Have a favorite candy?: pocky.
Believe in astrology?: not really.
Believe in God?: no.
Believe in magic?: no.
Pray?: never.
Go to church?: you'd have to shoot me first.
Have any pets?: too many.
Talk to strangers who IM you?: no. AIM sucks.
Wear hats?: no.
Have any piercings?: earrings.
Have any tattoos?: no.
Hate yourself?: depends.
Have an obsession?: yep.
Have a secret crush?: uhhh...
Collect anything?: books, pens, and ads!
Have (a) best friend(s)?: sort of.
Wish on stars?: gave up.
Like your handwriting?: yes. very much!
Have any bad habits?: procratination.
Care about looks?: not really.
Believe in witches?: not really.
Believe in Satan?: no.
Believe in ghosts?: not sure.

ok! now wasn't that a total waste of time! lol. ^_^ i feel better though. this new layout i'm supposed to have is never going to get done and i need to upload an mp3 for someone! yay! work work work!

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